Blindfolded..

with 151 rupees in my bank, this is the poorest i’ve been in 3 years.. i’ve been promoted today.. what an irony. Cant see what is so good about it anyway. I feel i’m wasting time waiting for three years to be over. I feel i sould get myself some peace and quiet… cantt even enroll for my trip to ladakh.. as i’m bankrupt to a level i cant eat.. if it wasnt for mom.. i would be starving now.. what am I doing here? as someone who enjoys depression.. this is the happiest i shd be. Complete lack of social skills notwithstanding i have still made it this ffar. congratulations !!

As I sort the darkness with my bare hands,
the thorns of the night sting me to a trance.
I might have seen light, could be my imagination.
have I ever known the meaning of illumination.
my face that i cant see, feels cracked and corroded.
but why so much darkness ?

my eyes are turned inward…

Do I, or do I not?
See them wed, or gift something that can be bought?
Buy veggies new, or eat the ones that in my fridge rot?
Send mamma home, or enjoy her time that I’ve got?
Go out with friends, or tell them I’m home not?
Write my appraisal the way I thoght, or mail it the way I wrote?
Tell her I’ll see her as soon as mom’s back, or wait formore fish to be caught?
Tell my boss that I’ve had it enough, or let my poverty decide what i’m not!

do or do I not?

it is that time of the year again. i’m off on another shiny plane to malluland to stand next to a grave and look lost.. this time i am superchilled about it though.. my hair spiked n my soul patch is dark /shiny. The fake cut on my eyebrow deepened with the help of a fine scissor. The focus is on how good mom nd I can look among the (not really) grieving public. The hollowness of all this is very much evident and hence the accessorial support. Anyways what’s gone is gone and losses are not meant to be carried around. I guess I can stand in through the ceremonial circus in church the only day i step into it in a year. Dad I dont think I miss you that much, because we only miss people who are not with you.. your absense is wonderfully filled by the omnipresence of you.. Credit is totally yours for bringing me up so unlike you, not making me normal..and for letting me choose my paths and battles. I dont need this annual exercise to remember you..and in the past one year or so, I have understood that I am finally an adult..little late, but for sure.

This morning, as i travelled to the new delhi railway station, I had the most amazing autoride ever. Delhi at 6.30 am, after a rain! Every tree washed clean, new leaves of spring, sparkling alongside the beautiful lodhi, humayun roads. The endless greenery along the ashoka road. The grandeur of India gate lawns, and a clear sky that made for extended visibilty. I shud be up early, more frequently….the train is picking up speed. Let me doze off,
p.s: i’m off to chandigargh on work.

I am about to move into a single aptmnt from next week.. Life starts again. Hope the experience is good. It is a bit on the expensive side. in Saket. 1bedroom hall kitchen setup. I fell for the kitchen by the way.. see you with pics of the place once i do it up.. ideas are welcome for a bachelor pad.

I was at Mumbai office for close to two weeks at short notice for a project that was abandoned by ‘the man who quit ‘. The trip happened at a time when I was quite low about work. Somehow it all ended up being a wonderful break in spite of the fact that I worked non stop for 11 days. I liked being in Bombay for few reasons

1. The warm and welcoming office and colleagues.

I have never been welcomed by people so enthusiastically and treated so well.

2. The amazing HR lady who did a few development sessions with me

3. The married colleague ( Who holds my place in Mumbai office ) who spent a valentines dinner with his friend who was leaving and a wife who let him.

4. The same colleague for telling me “had a great time with you here. You fit right in dont you? I have a feeling we will make a great team”. I mean I have heard ppl say I am good. But this is way better coming off someone who is almost competition.

5. The enthusiastic engineer who eagerly solved every problem that the project faced without feeling pressurized one bit

And above all I got a chance to see myself work. And unlike what I had concluded of myself, I am a people’s person if I find people of my wavelength. I am good at delegation if I have even moderately receptive soul, and I felt like I was looked upto and accepted.

The return journey was on saturday, and on the night of return, sipping a Chivas Regal with delicious chicken tikka at the CCD lounge in Mumbai airport, I almost decided to ask for a transfer… But I guess Delhi is still too much home to me.

On top of which was the drive to Haridwar!

My buddy cacofonix had to give a lecture at IIT Rorrkee on entrepreneurship. So sim and I joined him on the drive. Though it turned out to be an adventure we wud not forget. We left for roorkee from Delhi at 8 with no plan but to come back after his lecture at 3. But then, things change don’t they? As we drove up to roorkee in time after spending time at this splendid place called Cheetal Grand, we were running out of petrol. We reached Roorkee with an almost empty tank. Just out of IIT after an impressive lecture, we made a quick decision to go to haridwar. Then we stopped at a petrol pump and my buddy says “full tank”. As I stepped out to take a few pics of this incident, I notice the complete lack of credit card machines. I ask the guy “Aap card lete ho?” and at that point the counter was racing away to 1570. I screamed at him to stop, and reported the problem to sim and cacofonix. Stumbled, cacofonix checked his wallet, out came a hundred. So did I! hundred came out of mine too! Shit!! Credit cards spoil us dont they?. Sim luckily had the rest to add up and we rummaged through change. After paying up, what we had was 1570 worth of fuel and 45 bucks among the three of us.

We reach Haridwar only to find that we cant spot a single ATM on the road. Expecting to find one at the Ghats we moved in. We had no towels, no spare underwear and no cash! As SIm asked people for ATMs we managed to buy two towels for 40. leaving us with 5 rupees among the three of us. As cacofonix and I tried to formulate a proper algorithm to do the dip in the Ganga without

a. Wetting the underwear

b. Wetting the towels making them useless

There was none, and so we decided to go in with our underwear and leave the towel behind. Sim sat at the ghat steps taking care of the camera and clothes, Cacofonix and I stepped into the chilling cold water of the Ganaga. It was my first time, and there is nothing like the experience of immersing yourself in the freezing waters of the ganga to numb your whole body. After a minute or so, I was enjoying the feeling so much I sat down in the water for what seemed like eternity. Sim was clicking our pics and she threatened to make an MMS out of it The dip in the Ganages was an amazingly elevating experience. Among thousands of people washing thier sins off in the holiest of all rivers. The river almost seemed human for a moment, a motherly figure, forgiving sins of her million sons…

I was pulled back into the real world by Caocfonix who had already stepped out. As I rolled my pair of inner Lee’s into the secrecy of the towel while going commando. I felt like I could stay there at the ghats forever. Sim was enjoying/making light fun of the situation we guys were in as I carefully did my fly.. I had only heard the saying “paisa itna kam pad gaya ki kacha uthar gaya” Now it was happening to me. I got my underwear forced off me by lack of money!

The return journey was tough with terrible roads spoiling the fun of some over the top driving by Cacofonix and me which made him and her scream/ me and her scream/ he and me scream etc as we gobbled down truck after truck on the highway..

We had 5 bucks with us. Two hotels turned us down as we could pay only by card! Hungry, we were more than refreshed and thankful for finding a solitary SBI ATM after Muzaffarnagar! Post which, after some more terrific driving and countless number of times of singin/ listening to “Khwaja” from Jodhaa Akbar, we reached a Mall in meerut, had a Mc D meal and drove back.. just reached home only to find that the towels got exchanged along with the contents! All because I let the girl take a decision on whose package was what!!..women!

Note:- ( The meerut mall had the sexiest girl I had seen in recent times .. packed into a nice little denim trouser that was a tad small for what it was packing.. you get the point don’t you? )

I guess you would agree with me I say Shibani Kashyap is someone with a unique style in music. She blends her folkish voice into contemporary tracks with a flair that is respectable. However, this seems to work only if she is doing a soundtrack for a movie. Case in point, “Sajna”, “Zinda Hoon main” as compared to her Albums (except Ho gayi hai mohabbat which was a straight indi-pop attempt) and it also helps that she is quite a looker when you compare her to ordinary mortals.

The reason why I brought her up is because of this new song by her called “Kashmakash” from the movie Sunday. Very Shibani at each note, the slow version of the song is somewhat haunting with a catchy hook that goes “kya kashmakash hai yeh” and intriguing lyrics and the right highs. I was not really impressed till I heard the remix, which I guess was done by Suketu. Man! he sure knows how to get the juice out of a track. The base thrown at the line “chalte saayen hai” is so very in -place. The mystery based background music with the right tempo livens up the song to a level Shibani couldn’t take the song to in the original version. This is exactly what happened to her ‘Zinda hon mein track’ from Zinda. The remix which featured her and Lara was quite a destructive and delicious mix, while her slow version though signature, lacked the mega punch needed. ‘Sajna’ of course had enough steam to pull through without fancy beats. The mention of the video brings the new lithe Esha deol into the picture. She looks like a million bucks for the first time ever. Shibani’s presence in the remix video sticks out like a sore thumb as she tries to dance and emote, all to be overpowered by Esha’s perfectly toned body and fluid dance movements. Shibani’s presence in the video is reassurance to Esha deol that she is infact an amazing dancer and has the looks that are slowly evolving out of the shadows of her  stunning mother who at her fifties remain as gorgeous as she was in her prime. Former Ms Universe Lara Dutta had failed to eclipse Shibani in her Zinda video if you remember.

I recommend the remix..

BTW

I am off to Bombay for a week on work and unlike expected, I am going to miss winter as it refuses to part with Delhi even this much into Feb. We are still too cold for a Feb second week. This means I will be back as soon as work gets over. Cant miss winter can I?

Amma is back from her Kerala trip with family friends. Seems to have been to places I haven’t been to now! Yes that would be my fault.

And I have to boast: Comp got an upgrade sometime back.. Athlon 64 X2/320 Gb Hard Disk/SATA DVD writer and a new Viewsonic 19″ Widescreen monitor. Fedora 8 still rocks.

Just how long do you convince yourself that your inability to just exist is a passing phase?

when do you decide this is enough? and how do you decide how much is too much..

At what point do you say I’m done?

Fuck

I wish I knew..

pointlessness is getting to me, I can feel the vacuum in my marrow.. and I cant even crash and break anything anymore…

She sat her mother down at the lamp post outside the gate to casualty, and walked away alone to the parking lot. As me, jack sparrow and her other friends followed her frail figure in red pullovers looking for her car, she looked so fragile, as if all the loneliness in the world had converged on her thin frame.

Three hours back, we were in a car to Gurgaon, to watch a show at the epicenter, called ‘Almost 12th night’. A delightful puppet show recreating 12th night for kids and everyone not into “high English drama”. After the show we ran through an art exhibition, ravaged a NIKE 50% sale and headed back to Delhi, still trying to decide where to lunch. The 32 lane toll gate at the new express way was a jam packed mess, as usual. I was humming pure intuition when her phone rang by my side. 30 seconds later, she says

“Hospital jaana hoga, dad ki death ho gayi hai”

The world around us froze to thick ice. The winter chill that was still outside, seeped in to the spaces that we occupied in the universe. She, too numb to cry. We, too numb to speak. I, there again.. one more time.

As we drove to Safdurjung hospital, her first sobs filled the silence we were trapped in. How I hoped I knew her enough to tell her she needed to cry. The twenty something minutes we took to reach the hospital were painful. My fingers were numb. And as I took the car to the parking lot while jack sparrow took her inside the hospital, I realized that memories were flooding back to me.

A few minutes later, at the second floor of the ICU, I see her walk out with her mother, and her relatives, with a stretcher that held the body of a man covered in white, a man who was at a wedding some two hours before with his wife. A man, whom I didn’t know, and the faceless white body was my timeport to a scene that took place two years back in an April, only this time, I wasn’t the one crying….

His body was taken into the ambulance, the guards bowed with respect for a man they never saw. While the daughter, still numb, seated her mother next to the casualty gate, and went to look for her car…

Jack sparrow stopped her from driving and he drove her mother and her home, while I followed…

I wish I knew her enough to be by her side. I wish I knew her enough to tell her how this was about to change her in ways she never knew.. but then, she will know herself wont she?

I am taken back in time though, I saw it all again, like I was there, all over again…but now, like someone unrelated. The memories failed to move me, the images had no strength, and I was not crying… If this is what being an adult means, the world sure has got it all wrong.